THE FINAL WEEK - Journey to the Center of the Body - COMPLETION
By Joey De La Cruz
T-15 Wednesday, September 23
Today was another day honoring the truth of my body, of sharing authentically with myself and my partner. I was feeling a bit ‘off’ for the last few days and couldn’t quite figure out why. I was having some difficulty understanding why. It turned out that I was just experiencing a moment of growth. Growing into a new relationship while working on finding a balance between honoring myself and another. Long story short, I just needed to share my honest truth, my emotional reality in that moment, without blame or judgment, towards my partner or myself. It’s so important to listen with compassion. I did a solid stretch last night, I am staying in my center, that is the whole goal of the moment. I am eager to get to the end of this journey so that I can see what lies at the end of the ride.
T-14 Thursday, September 24
Last night my partner and I smoked some marijuana. It was an experience that really altered the dimension we were in. At times, I have looked into this woman’s eyes and seen a mirror of myself, a manifestation of consciousness so similar to myself, a reflection of me in another. In this altered state of being, it was as if we were seeing each other, and ourselves from a totally different perspective. It’s difficult to describe, it was more of a feeling and experience than a conscious awareness. There was an awareness of a totally new reality. We met each other for the first time again. For a moment, as we shared this new space, we were, literally meeting each other again for the first time. Each other? What does that even mean? I know that we are all connected at a fundamental layer of reality, that I am one with all that is, so when I say “each other”, I am each other. This was the first time that we were both in an altered state, together, on the same page in a totally different story. We spoke together about seeing the world from a different reality, it opened our perception up to the multitude of perceptions that occur to, and around us every day, and we jumped into this one and were now able to talk and discover it together for the first time, again. It felt new to hug her, to look at her, to hold her and feel her. It was all new and different and beautiful and it felt good.
After the initial high settled. The Sex began, and it was like the first time in a whole new world. Not only were our bodies and minds responding differently than before, but there was a whole new dimension of connection. It was a completely new experience. The connection was deep, a stillness settled over us and we fell into a state of ecstasy unlike anything else we have experienced prior, and it lasted for hours.
T-13 Friday, September 25
I am working with CBD, learning more about marijuana and the healing effects on the body and brain. Under the right conditions it can be used as a spiritual and physical medicine. I am still blown away by the experience of perceptions from yesterday and it was amazing to see them in the mirror. Everywhere I look in my life I now see that same mirror. How do I look at myself when I am in the world? This is the new line of inquiry that I am exploring. I see myself everywhere now, I see possibility everywhere. I have yet to get fully engaged back into the physical aspect of my body, by working out, but I have a feeling that this will naturally happen after this journey ends. I am feeling the flow of this river and it is taking me deeper than I thought possible.
Alcohol is still detrimental to my body and my system. I woke up hungover and tired after just a little bit of consumption. I will continue to taper and when I do drink, I will make sure I add food, water and vitamins to help support my body when I ingest these toxins. Feeling fresh and clear and alert is great, I am happy for those moments of clarity! It is Friday and I do think I will take another puff of that Mary Jane. This will now be a ritual moment to again experience the world from a different perspective and see what I can learn about myself and the world when I look into myself through this worldly mirror I have discovered.
T-10 Monday September 28
Here we go. 10 days to launch. Trust. Surrender. Today is a Monday and I am feeling a bit off. Mondays were difficult enough without the world being in its current tumultuous state. Today I started off with the news, and if I’ve learned anything on this journey to the center of the body, its that what I am allowing into my sphere is going to be absorbed into me and influenced my state of being. I was absorbing all this programming today that really set me up for failure. I realized today, yet again how PARAMOUNT it is to start my day off on the right energetic footing. How I spend the first 20 minutes of my day will create an energetic influence that will carry over into my thoughts, actions, beliefs and influence my general well-being and health. It will color how I see the day, how I interact with others and how I interact with myself. What is on the television, the news, the radio? Most often int isn’t enlightening content designed to uplift and brighten my day. Mostly it’s ‘Breaking News!!’ This terrible thing happened. These messages go on to showcase all the fighting, all the dissonance and discord we are seeing in our country, in our body. These messages then amplify themselves and are fed back to me over and over and over and go on to manifest and create more of those same troubling occurrences in the world. What we focus on expands, and I fell too far into the news cycle trap, and it negatively affected my state of inner harmony and peace.
So, what did I do to get out of my funk... Well, it took some conversations with good friends and family, support from my lover but most of all, SELF LOVE. I went for a run, not a long one, but enough to get the body moving, the blood pumping and to remove any stagnation of energy in the body. I meditated for a bit, did some Tai Chi and listened to some great music and just chilled out. I felt myself begin to come back to my center. What I DIDN’T do...go to alcohol or drugs to fix this fix. I knew that would be counter intuitive and would only in the long run bring about more anxiety as I didn’t actually deal with the issues, I would’ve just dulled, or covered them up with a substance which would be more detrimental to my well-being in the long run. It would just have pushed down these uneasy feelings instead of bringing the truth to the surface so I could intentionally feel them before they built up and exploded into my being. Remember to breath. The breath is such a valuable tool. Immensely valuable. Remember that. Remember to breath, slow, steady, deep breaths, it will give oxygen to your brain and body. As I breath out I can release tensions that has built up and release any thoughts that no longer serve me. This in turn will provide me greater clarity about how I want to spend my mornings and how I want to spend my mental and emotionally energy.
In the last ten days of this journey, I intend to LET GO of all that no longer serves me. This is a BIRTH Day. I will be reborn, this I know. I will be entering another beautiful milestone in life, on this journey and I couldn’t be more excited. I am so grateful for all that I have learned so far, and I know that my final lesson will be approaching, I pray I will be awake enough to recognize it and to step proudly forward on this glorious journey of life.
T-9 Thursday, September 29
Today I participated in my meditation class and for 20 minutes did a technique by the Self-Realization Center called Hong Sau, which means “I am He”; I am spirit. It was a great way to relax. I JUST finished and it was the first time in days that I have been that focused, chill, and centered in my body. My third eye, in between my eyebrows was activated, I could feel a pulsing and charging of energy there. After a full day of activity this was definitely a wonderful method in which I could relax my body, my mind and just be by myself for a few moments.
I also had a very bad dream last night. I was moving towards my lover and when I was about to get to her a force came up from behind me and pulled me back into a dark closet. It had a very scary terrible feeling about it, and I could barely talk or escape. My lover then came and began to drag me away from this entity as I was unable to get up. It came after me as I was moving away from it and appeared from the darkness of the room. It appeared as a small skeleton with a kind of brown goop all over it covering the bones and it was coming after me. It was FEAR. As I was moving away, Fear was pursuing me, I reached out and gently grabbed Fear’s hand. After I was woken up, luckily by my lover in the bed next to me, for I was really scared in this dream, I couldn’t shake the feeling. I had chills all over my body. I went back to bed and woke up this morning with some more clarity.
I now have a better sense of how fear influences my decisions, my mindset and my actions in life. I was being pulled away from my lover by fear of love. It’s crazy how often we do this to ourselves, I know I’ve been doing it to myself for many years and no matter how hard I try to suppress this emotion, a basic survival instinct, fear is still able to reach up from the depths and influence how I behave. I don’t want to let fear dictate how I act. Which is why I reached out for Fear’s hand, to grab Fear and pull it out of the closet, into the light. There was another aspect to reaching out and touching fear’s hand. Fear is a part of me, a fundamental part. There is no way that I will ever be able to completely eliminate my fear, it is just part of being human, it keeps me alive. So, I wanted to make peace with it in such a way that it wouldn’t have influence over this part of my life. Love is a sensitive place for me, for all humans I believe. Love invites pain. Love is Joy, the opposite of Joy is Fear. We are so often fearful of what we love, because within in lies the seed of fear and pain. This is a fundamental lesson I am learning. In my dream states, my most dominant emotions are at the surface, they manifest in my subconscious mind, in my dreams though nightmares, and this one was certainly classified as a nightmare. It was scary, dark, I wasn’t in control and there was an entity chasing me. Scary on all fronts. But the scariest thing about all of this is that I was actually allowing fear to lead my life and to take control of my thoughts, actions and therefore, my life. This I am no longer willing to accept.
Awareness is the first step. I was able to communicate and share about this fear to my partner and now, at least it is out in the open. We are both scared, and nervous, it’s only natural to be a little fearful when you are putting your love, your heart, and your dreams in the hands of another person. They are so fragile and it’s always possible that they may shatter. This is my journey in life. To understand my fear, my love and to use these primal forces towards the highest evolution of my being. This life feels like a school, a place where I come to have amazing experiences and grow my consciousness, my understanding of my soul, my spirit, my body and mind. Today was a great day of learning, and I know tomorrow will be another.
UPDATE: My right hip, which was tense and feeling very uneasy has calmed down drastically again. I went for a run, moved the body, and released some of the pent-up tension and energy that was present there. It feels a lot better, and I am super grateful, no medical attention needed.
T-0 FRIDAY, OCTOBER 9 – END OF THE JOURNEY
**Note: Prior to this entry I as very drunk, in bed attempting to write and there was a obstruction under my ‘Space Bar’ on my computer, and it didn’t work properly. I then proceeded to rip off the space bar like a fool and broke it. Just to you know. The following text was typed shortly after this incident.**
Be chill. The real lesson of today though, is that it is not the tools that matter. Such as this space bar that I have ripped apart so carelessly tonight on my birthday. Nor is it the monetary resources of the physical realm that I should hold in high prestige. But the family. The spiritual. These are the relationship bonds that truly matter. Twice the calls with the financial advisor failed. Did it not matter? What are the important resources that I should have kept track of? Tonight, I am 35. The journey to the center of the body is complete! This was the target date of my goal. I have arrived to the destination I set out to arrive at. Fate has brought me here. I am in Colorado, with my family. Where I should be. I am so grateful for all that I have been provided with as I know that many have done more with less. I am so grateful. Therefore, I would like to take this moment as an opportunity to figure it all....
Silence. I am a rambling drunk right now...which is appropriate. But I will have a proper follow-through in the morning. I love you. Happy Birthday. Love it! Love You! Happy Birthday!
T+7 Friday, October 16
It’s been one week since my birthday and my journey to 35. I have arrived. As you can see from the previous entry, I was quite drunk when I tried to write and describe the journey, to lay my thoughts down bare in digital ink. I am alone here, for the first time in a while, by myself entirely. Able to reflect on the journey and its meanings. Its musings.
This was the day I was looking forward to, why? Because it’s my rebirth, I am anew. A milestone, like 18, 21, 25, and so on. 35. What have I learned?
I’m eating canned ravioli from some pandemic supplies cause I’m not in the space for anything else. It’s Friday in Venice so naturally I’ve had some sake and a hit of my favorite stain and pre-roll, Day Dreamer. Here, only the truth counts. That is what I found in the center of my body. Truth.
It’s a fact that Truth evolves. At least from the human perspective. I feel an earthquake. From within. A shaking of what is to come. I am not where I expected I would arrive. I am in a whole new world. Love has found me. Spirit has found me. Meditation has found me. Newfound awareness of my culinary accoutrements, chef Boyardee.
I feel strong. Mentally and emotional secure, a being who is using his relationship with spirit to move fingers on a keyboard and type these words. My chi is stronger, but more dedicated practice is needed, what a gift practice can be. Breathing is really important. Pause.
The beach looks different. 146 days ago, the beach looked very different. So did the world.
T+8 Saturday, October 24
I can’t describe the full effects of this journey one week after completion. I have changed. Of that, I am sure. Trillions of cells in my body have died since I began this undertaking. Trillions more have grown in their place. I’m still beautiful, so that’s a relief. It’s incredible how strong the chi between my hands has become lately. I am not as ‘fit’ as I was intending to become. I am far from my fittest when this journey began, but then again, I was intending to take part in a JOURNEY to the center of the body, the places I found were far deeper and more profound than the body itself. I struggle to explain.
T+10 Monday, October 26
Today I am still ever more perplexed about the “goal” or “objective” of this journey. As the days continue on, I am at a loss as to how this journey has affected me. There is still so much unknown, and I have only scratched the surface of many possibilities that I am spinning with what it all means. After all this time, I have resolutely changed my mindset, I am constantly, if not at all times connected more with my body and its inner workings. I am more aware of the energies of other people and how they affect me. I am more aware of the power of my thoughts, both positive and negative and how they affect my physical and mental state. I am also very aware that I am intimately connected to other people, spiritually, emotionally, and telepathically. These powers, if you want to call them that, are very present in my life now. Especially with those close to me, my lover, friends, and family. I am more aware of my Chi, the energy of my body has become stronger, and I can focus very well and amplify the energy of my body. I am still learning HOW to use it, but I know it is there at my disposal.
143 days later
The surface never tells the full story.
Trust the transformation.
I find myself playing with my Chi quite often, feeling the magnetizing effects of my mind and body on my hands, around my chest and arms. My meditation practice has deepened, and I know that it is essential to my physical, mental and emotional health. I am more aware of the energy level of foods that I put in my body. I can feel my third eye activated and vibrating, right now as a matter of fact, which is why I mention it. This is another profound aspect to my being that I have grown into feeling, and I will continue to be with these sensations, as I don’t quite know how to “use” it, but awareness is the first key. Awareness that this energy is there, that it is now awake and that it serves a very valuable role in my life.
Upon setting out on this journey I had a feeling that I would ‘arrive’ somewhere upon the completion. But I am discovering that even though the journey TO 35 is complete, the journey INTO 35 is just beginning. If anything, this adventure has provided me new sets of lenses with which I see the world, see my body and myself. On this day I will now step away from the journey and meditate on it, experience it from the rear view mirror. I will not make another entry for another week. And then I will see if I can muster up a better conclusion. I miss the journey, it was an amazing time of self-reflection, appreciation and depth. It gave me an excuse to look at my life and explore my SELF unlike I ever have before. I am grateful I took part in this journey. Now I step back and see if there are more nuggets of wisdom to be explored. I am so grateful that I was able to complete this journey. I do feel awake. Let’s see how this all plays out through the coming days. Signing off for now.
Please join me in the next post – Lessons & Reflections from the Journey to the Center of the Body