Journey to the Center of the Body - Week Eleven
By Joey De La Cruz
T-58 Tuesday, August 11
I thought I was lost and then I jumped into breathwork. It helped bring me back.
*Book: Just Breath, Mastering Breathwork by Dan Brulé.
T-57 Wednesday, August 12
I think I entered a new timeline today. I experienced what I thought to be a glitch in the matrix. I was walking down the beach and saw a fit dude in red bathing shorts run by me. I was deep in thought after returning from a vacation from Mexico, meaning I am a new person than I was a week ago. But as I was walking, like three full minutes later. the SAME GUY came running by me in the same manner he did previously. I did a holy-shit double take. It was as if it happened all over again. Which led me to think: would I be able to actually perceive a shift in timelines? What would that really look and feel like? I was sure it would be a very subtle shift and I wouldn’t be able to perceive the shift, now, I’m not so sure. We are not physically equipped to sense the meta/subtle shifts in the worlds around us, or so I thought. This got me thinking, what if in that moment, while walking on the beach when that guy ran past me twice, I actually stepped into a new timeline and the “repeat run” was the result? Is it possible I am now in a completely different reality than before?? Has a new phase of life been set out before me?
There are more questions than answers at this point. True, it could be in my state of meditative walking the same guy ran in front of me, away from me and I didn’t notice, only becoming aware after he came running in front of me again. Yes, this is also a possibility, but then again, so is the alternate timeline theory, which can’t be discounted and must be explored further, as it remains a possibility. This brings up the very real and awesome questions that follow, what would it look and feel like to shift timelines? Is this something we do on a regular basis as we make choices while navigating the infinite possibilities that exist in life? The deeper I’ve traveled into my body the more I realize that shifting timelines is totally possible, probable and I might have just been given a glimpse of that shift. It was almost as if I was teleported instantaneously into a parallel but similar existence in which the guy in red bathing shorts ran past me a few seconds/minutes later at a different location on that beach? What would that mean about the timeline that I just left behind? What happened to that reality that I shifted into; does it continue on without me? With me? Parallel Universe? This is quite the moment; I have to share this out of a genuine desire to explore this concept within myself. Forget about what everyone else will think. I have to feel this one out for myself. So, I will. Just so you know Joey, I will be feeling through this in the following days and week so that we will get a better sense of what is happening. Now onto other things.
I just returned from Mexico on a wonderful vacation. It was exactly what was needed, an escape from the world so we could just go and have some fun, my lover and me. We met up with the family and drank a lot of alcohol, tequila, and beers, hung out in the pool and just played. I was well aware of what I was putting into my body, I have had an ab reminder on my calendar for weeks now and haven’t done one solid session of workouts. I weigh the most I ever have, of course I did that at the end of vacation, I don’t know why I did that. But I felt compelled to know. I was able to stretch twice with my morning routine each of the days upon my return. I was thinking that this is probably one of the most out of shape moments, possibly. But I also felt an inflection point coming up. Right now, I am really internally tired too. The last year has been a crazy fucking ride around the planet. I’ve fallen in love, I’ve given my all to my partner through some really difficult moments, challenging each other to grow and evolve and become a newer greater version of ourselves. I am tired too. So that’s why I haven’t had the energy or motivation to do anything with my fitness. I need a group to help me and yet I still haven’t booked anything or set up any appointment. I feel that the bottom is near and the only thing that will be next is to force myself back on to the saddle so to speak and get some ab workouts going and just commit to them. I have noticed that I have been quietly judging my body in the mirror, while out and about at the Mexican beaches and resorts. I know that I do look good, that I am a beautiful sexy man, but there is still this voice that is very subtle in the background that says you are not fit enough, not toned enough, not strong, or muscular enough, this perceived image I have of myself that exists only in my mind and not in reality.
What does that mean? Well, I guess it means that I am still not loving on myself as much as I should. That I also have a desire for my fitness and body to be in a place that it is not at this moment. Surrender and acceptance of the present moment is what I have been learning, and I can see that I have more understanding to accomplish. At least I am aware of what is happening. I hear the voice, I see it, I feel it and I am really tired right now, so I’m not sure what will happen later this evening, but I know the journey continues and I will see where the next few days take me. I am going to go to Float Lab tomorrow. It’s a place where I will lay down in a saltwater solution in a sensory deprivation chamber for two hours and forget about the body entirely. Well, at least that’s the idea. I will not use my eyes, I will only hear silence and not hear any sound, I will not feel any pressure points on my physical body as I will be floating. I will only be with my inner self, my mind, my consciousness, that voice in my head. So, I guess I will find out a lot about myself in the next 24 hours. I will also be doing this simultaneously with my partner who will be in a different tank, I’m sure we will be able to communicate, and this will also test a lot of notions about what I have thought was possible, or not, about the human body, mind, spirit and the nature of physical, metaphysical, etheric energetic laws and the interaction of energy at all these different levels. I know it’s all connected and who knows, maybe I will have some major epiphany, or maybe I’ll pass out and sleep. I pray now that I know it will be in my highest good. That’s all for now, I am going to read and probably just rest and take a cat nap! Kisses and hugs. I love you, Joey.
T-56 Thursday, August 13
So, I do feel a bit lost in my journey, but I am working hard to try and find some footing once again. I was able to drop into some meditation exercises again yesterday, and although this isn’t the physical exercise that I am craving, as I am getting soft and haven’t really worked hard in over a month now, I am still integrating the lessons of the mind, and this really is taking me further into my body than ever before. I am reaching the core of things and coming to realize that without my mind being right, my muscles will be useless. Or is it the other way around? Yes, they will be able to move me throughout the world, but I learned about breathing, and this is going to hit me in the core of my being. A full Yogic breath, is one that relives stress, activates the parasympathetic nervous system, refreshes the mind, and uses engaged breathing to activate the prana, life force, within the body. After I completed this exercise, I felt waves of energy and tingling sensations all over my body. It was a very unique experience and although it is not a ‘conventional’ form of exercise in the typical sense of the world, it really is. I will do this exercise again now. It is 11:11am in the morning and I will now do 4 -5 rounds of full yogic breathing and immediately report back!
REPORT:
There is something profound happening here that I am not fully understanding. But, as I dropped down and relaxed in an exhale I felt a sense of relief, of weight leaving the body. As I inhaled and rose up, I could feel my heartbeat in my hands as they began to pulse to the rhythm of my heart, they were alive. After the second round I could feel activation in my third eye, a tingling and opening, an awakening of that area. It’s hard to describe the feelings of tingling, of energy moving within the body but I felt it, radiating throughout myself, waves of energy that lifted me up. I felt lighter and clam, relaxed and centered in my body. Still now as I write these words, I am feeling my third eye and the subtle resonance of the echo of the energy that was moving in my body as it plays on inside my being.
I know this is difficult to articulate, but a journey into the unknown is, by its very nature unknown and strange. But the unknown must become known. And the only way it can become known is if we stay with it, practice and feel it and come to better understand it. I know this is having a positive effect on my body, otherwise it wouldn’t have been taught by a great Indian Yogi. Pain in my left shoulder, a flush of discomfort in my right hip, both areas where I’ve held tension and experienced some pain and discomfort. Is this energy going there? Working out something on an energetic level? Perhaps. All I know for sure is that something is happening! And I will continue to explore and see what happens.
T-55 Friday, August 14
The feel is right, the party is here on the west side! It’s been two days since my sensory deprivation chamber experience with my partner and the insights and lessons keep coming in. First off, the experience itself was very cool, interesting and unique. This is the second time I have undertaken this journey to the center of the mind and the second time it was easier to drop in, and I credit a lot of my meditation work for helping me to be more at ease within my own body. Without any input from the outside world, I finally get a chance to LISTEN to what is happening within. I want to jump to the deepest part. As I was letting go of my body, becoming still, floating in a sea of darkness, I heard the word “pathetic” come from a deep place within my being. It came out and called me. The only thing that exists within my own mind is MY consciousness. This voice came from deep within me and the word was “pathetic.” I will continue to review this experience and what that word means for me, is there something deep within me that believes I am pathetic? Everything I see in the world is a mirror reflection of myself, I give it meaning. I am the creator of my reality, and somewhere within that reality is a voice demeaning myself. I am now reflecting if that has played a part in the perception of who I am and how I operate.
Another dream I’ve had which I must take with full faith is one where I heard a voice saying that there are some things in my body that need to come out, and then I heard that God voice say that someone at UCLA would get them out. The next thing I remember is that I was walking through a door into a room that was blue and contained a pool, as I entered the room my “body” was flooded with loving energy that made my body tingle with joy and what could be described as light. It was a feeling that made me feel reassured that no matter what happens, whatever that message means, everything will be OK. In short, there’s nothing wrong. This is all the more interesting since I’ve found several different lumps under parts of my abdomen, one of which has recently become more painful to the touch and I did set up an ultrasound to take a look at them, but through an error in the ordering of procedures I wasn’t able to look at them at the time. I have now taken action to set up an appointment to see what is happening and now we have an opportunity to really look into the center of the body and see what this might be.
T-54 Saturday, August 15 11:17pm
Here we go. What’s in my body? A luxurious pasta, gluten free, cashew sauce with coconut milk, tomatoes, spinach, basil, garlic, onion, and a few seasonings and some K. Yes, ketamine. What, don’t pretend like you don’t put worse shit in your body. At least I ingested everything tonight in a ritual setting, hoping to get better clarification about what things I put in my body affect my body. Here I am tonight, navigating my way through love, independence, thought, emotions, food, oh and a beer and a generous sipper of Bushmills 10-year whiskey. What have I learned today in this adventure? As deep and in love as I am, I am on my own right now, and it is our distance that brings us closer together. This may sound counter intuitive but this is the nature of reality. Matter is not. In my independence I am free to love deeper, beginning with myself, then with others. Tonight, I made dinner for the first time in a while, yeah, I ate/eat out a lot, who doesn’t, it’s easier. Trade some cash and another person can give you things to put in your body, for better or for worse. What I learned tonight...man, there is some delicious, beautiful foods out there that were OUTSIDE my initial awareness, outside of my shopping list. Not there at all, and wow I am feeling really relaxed right now. My stomach is full, yet light. I am alone with myself yet bathing in the love I feel for another, and that another feels for me. I am grateful for this body. I am grateful for these fingers that type across the keyboard right now allowing me to communicate electrical impulses from my brain to verbal words on a page.
I have been feeling a pain on the left side of my body today, was it from the sun-dried tomatoes on my sandwich? That’s the only major difference I can tell...I don’t think I will eat them again. See if it tapers off.
What’s in my mind right now? SONG: Kollera - Dusty Kid - Rages 1992. You think you have the adventure? Wrong, the adventure has you. Remember to breath, trust in GOD. Trust. Believe. Surrender. Listen to the music. Feel your body. How do you really feel your body? Do you bring awareness to each part of it? Every cell? MUSIC. SPEAK TO ME UNIVERSE. MYSTRY. I surrender. OH YEAH...the mystery is speaking to me all the time, it’s up to me to listen!!! LISTEN.
Everything is self-created, I am God, therefore, I create all my stories, what I believe, is true. So...believe.... what? LOVE. Self-love. LOVE of the SELF. YOU. ME. SERIOUSLY.
What is inside your body? Is there love? Is there hate? Is there doubt? Disbelief? Longing? Uncertainty? Anger? Pain? Pleasure? Fear? Hurt? Sad? Sickness? ABUNDANCE. I am love itself. Krishna, I see you on my mantel, you are also within me. I love you, thank you. I may not fully understand in this moment, but major layers are being pulled back and exposed. There is still this pain in the left side of my body, I am curious to know its origin and meaning. In this moment it is here, as a teacher, a guide, to better understand what is happening in my body, it is not something that should be ignored, or run from, but rather dove into, understood, so that I may realize where and why and what and how my pain is affecting me inside my body. Is it mental? Emotional? Physical? I surrender. Again. And again. And again. How often, how much am I fighting in my body and in my life? Fighting is hard, it takes energy, why fight? Surrender...flow...allow...understand...transmute...evolve. Hide nothing, fear nothing.
T-54 Sunday, August 16
Woke up and did my morning yoga routine for the first time. It’s time to find my way back. I’m not in the body I want to be in when I turn 35. Time to turn the corner and find myself again.
T-53 Monday, August 17
Woke up and did my morning yoga routine again. It felt good. I have found a big spot of tension that is getting out of control. There is a spot directly in my right hip joint where I carry a ton of stress and tension. I tried to ignore it at first, I am totally chill, I don’t have stress, I don’t have tension. Now I know this to be false. The pain has been increasing and for the first time in my life I have pain and mobility issue there. This is not acceptable as it is a major joint and its health is paramount to my overall state of well-being. It’s time to find my way back. Time is ticking. Yes, I have learned a ton and from my entry a few days ago I know now that pain is not to be run from, but towards so that I can transmute it and evolve it. Even now I know the tension and stress is nearly unconscious. There is so much happening in the world and I am constantly on the headlines taking in the scope of the world, I internalize all the suffering, uncertainty, pain, struggle and the million other wild emotions associated with the current state of things. I know I must be extremely mindful now and aware of how I am in my body. Even as I wrote these last couple sentences I noticed that my right foot and ankle were tight, which is connected to the hip bone. This tension in the lower part of my leg stems from the tension in my hip, which is created from the tension of my mind and spirit. This is an issue. Not ideal, but also not the end of the world. Here we are, learning, I am going to use this as a lesson, a marker that I need to place more attention and awareness into the state of my physical body.
That is the nature of adventures. We depart, lose ourselves and then eventually find ourselves again. This is the state of the journey where I am finding myself again. Understanding that every piece fits together in a beautiful puzzle. Mental state, breathing, emotional state, physical wellness, diet, awareness, consciousness, it all comes together and need to be in harmony, flow and balance. I know when I start working out again, I will work my muscles and in the work I will release some stress that has been accumulating in my hip. So, I must BE VERY DELIBERATE and VERY FOCUSED as I shift gears again back towards my physical well-being. I will have to say NO to things that take this focus away so that I can say YES to my body. The more I work out, sweat, and strain, I know less tension will exist in my body. I will literally work it out. Even writing these words and creating this intention has sifted energy in my body that will eventually allow this tension and pain to disappear. It’s time to get back to it. TODAY I will begin anew, even if it is just a few push-ups and some extra stretching and some band work, I will move my muscles, break out the weights and get back into the flow of working in and with my physical body. It is a new Monday. We are reborn every day. We can make a new choice in any moment of how we want to live our lives, and for me that moment is today. Time to follow through, create a new plan and get back on the ride. The COUNTDOWN DOESN’T STOP. So, we only have: 52 Days. Let’s see what kind of magic we can work!!!! It’s up to me. I will support myself and ask for support from others!
UPDATE: Seen on the street walking, a small plate in gold lettering on the outside of a closed restaurant on Main St. in Santa Monica: “Trust the Transformation” - That is always a huge lesson that we must always remember: To Trust. It’s a tough one to get, but essential to our wellbeing as we proceed on this journey. We need to trust ourselves, our ability, our resolve, trust in the possibility of what is possible, OUR TRANSFORMATION. It’s going to be a rough ride one way or another, so we must always return to a place of trust and compassion for ourselves and the journey we are on.
UPDATE: 5:37pm
Just completed first one-hour Kino Yoga session for Balance and Flexibility in a month, maybe more, and the struggle is real. I am tight. But as I saw before, I must trust the transformation. This ‘break’ or ‘neglect’ whatever you want to call it has given me valuable insight into the importance of regularity and DEDICATION required when it comes to taking care of your body. These is a multifaceted program that needs to be followed, and it includes regular exercise, flexibility, strength training. Whatever you call it, again, it needs to be address on a daily basis. I am feeling the pain of neglect in my right hip socket/joint. This may be a blessing in disguise because now I have a clear objective in this adventure, a destination that needs to be reached, a mountain that needs to be climbed, summited. This will be used as my benchmark, a guide to see just how much I can use all that I have learned and see that in fifty days if I can turn the tide and eliminate this emotional & physical pain body from this location in my being. I am excited to begin this journey anew. Note: I am tight, I could feel it tightening, the stress of the world, the lack of exercise, of an outlet to let my muscles work and stretch and rip and grow, instead it all went into the ligaments, tightening until they hurt. This is not how I want to live or feel, so now with this newfound awareness I will FOCUS my attention on this area while remembering that everything is connected. Every little stretch and release I do in other parts of my body will help my hip, it’s a full body effort from here on out.
For those out there in the world who have had a lifetime of this pain I have a better understanding of what you are dealing with, and it must seem really difficult one cannot even begin to see a way out to a promising land far off in the distance which might be able to offer some comfort and support. One step is all it takes, and that doesn’t even need to be a physical one. It’s a mental realization there is a journey to be taken, and you are the one who has the ability to change the perspective of your life and see this obstacle as an opportunity to step out of the life you knew, of the beliefs and ideas that you currently hold and embrace the unknown landscape of adventure into the center of your body on the path to liberation!