Journey to the Center of the Body - Week Fourteen
By Joey De La Cruz
T-37 Tuesday, September 1
Travel day. Exhaustion. Back home. Reflection after the weekend.
T-36 Monday, September 2
Today I arrived back in LA and could sense the tension in the air. I could feel the energies of thousands of people. I was tense myself, uncertain, a bit lost in the confusion of a thousand minds. I went for a walk on the beach and saw a t-shirt that said “good vibes”, and I returned to a state of gratitude and began anew. Now that I am home and after the experiences of the past weekend, I can’t help but be even more acutely aware of how connected I am to each and every person on this planet. More than ever, I realize how important it is to be connected to myself, to Pachamama, to God, the Divine Spirit and to the energies of the Mystery, the Universe and to my OWN HEART. Now comes a moment of forgiveness. I must forgive myself in this moment for NOT following my heart. I must forgive myself for all the times I silenced my inner intuition against my better silent knowing, and for all the beautiful possibilities that I missed out on. I didn’t trust my own heart, for that I forgive myself. Now, where did this sudden awareness come from? I was told by a friend to watch a documentary called “The Power of the Heart,” * Directed by Drew Heriot based off the book by Baptist de Pape, which talks all about the power and awareness available to us within the heart.
Today I am writing about forgiveness. I need to forgive myself for being so oblivious, so distant from my own heart and too often, blatantly even, NOT listening to the wisdom that was available to me in every beat. For example, I remember sitting on the beach recently, I saw some kids that I knew I should go and speak to, I KNEW that I was supposed to meet them. They were a group of young guys, three of them and they had a volleyball next to them, I could tell in my heart that they were looking for a fourth. I just knew it. It would have been simple enough, go up and introduce them and ask them if they needed a fourth. I had been waiting for a new crew of kids that I could play volleyball with. I had put intentions into the universe for a while now, and here I was, chilling by myself on the beach with opportunity 20 yards away. I felt that I should walk up and take a leap of faith and just ask them if they play around here, I’m sure it would have gone well. I just know. So, what did I do? Like so many other times in my life, I did nothing. Now this might seem like a trivial moment, but I’ve learned on this journey, that nothing in life is trivial, especially an opportunity for joy, sport, happiness, and play. The most precious resources available to us on this planet, I denied myself out of fear. I had to share this because it hit me hard today. I DENIED my own heart. Ouch, that one hurts as I write this. The silver lining, although I am not playing volleyball, I am learning a VERY important lesson that I will hopefully be able to share with millions of people, LISTEN AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART. This makes me feel better, and it is also a big lesson in forgiveness.
After this past weekend, I felt my heart. I felt heartbreak. I felt heart healing, and I wish to heal my own heart now. I am only beginning to understand the power of my heart, and for all these years of not listening, for not thinking I CAN or am ABLE to listen, I want to say to my heart, I’m sorry. I want to apologize to my heart for all the times that I took you for granted. I am only here, writing these words at this moment because of YOU, my beautiful HEART. Thank you, heart, for all that you’ve given me. Every breath, every step, every moment, every experience of my life I owe to you. I am so grateful for my heart, and it is my heart now that I wish to heal. I want to keep my heart light, so that I may keep my life light.
Tangent: I woke up after sleeping alone in my own space, felt great, did do my morning yoga routine, my muscles are tight, but it felt great to stretch. I realize now that if I do not come to understand, love, and take care of my heart; what good are my muscles? The heart sends blood to the muscles so they can function. Without my heart, what am I? I forgive myself for not following my heart on the beach that night. I resolve and please ask the universe, the mystery of creation that before these 36 days are out that I find a volleyball crew, please give me a second chance. A crew that resonates on my level, maybe even those same boys. I resolve to follow my heart as I continue about my day, it will lead me. Lead with my heart. Today, I feel the city, I feel all the people around me, self-care will be especially important, especially with all the tension going on in the world. Remember to breath deep. Remember to be grateful for every beat of my heart.
UPDATE: Tomorrow, I will have my first sensory deprivation experience, I sense the journey will only get stranger from there. I am looking forward to it and am grateful to know that I will be putting more energy and focus on my heart. I love my heart, I am grateful for my heart, I love my heart, I forgive myself, I love myself, and I go out into the world now, with a lightness and joy that begins and ends with the beat of my heart. Let the miracles continue.
Journey to the Center of The Body Report: We made it to the core. The Heart. I feel heartbreak. I feel the heartbreak I gave myself when I avoided my own heart. Ouch! WTF? This is strange... For all this time... Now I’m feeling the heartbreak of myself finally discovering my own heartbreak. God forgiving God. In true heartbreak you learn the true gift of love. It allows you to become stronger. Heartbreak. Increases our capacity to love. At least this is the theory I’ve heard. All I know is that right now I’m experiencing sensation in my heart. Also, in my third eye. I don’t know. Eyes are closed. Will continue to observe and report insights as they come.
It’s time to get back on the mat. Get started again. Momentum will be love. Momentum will be Love.
UPDATE: 60 knee pushups completed. First in months. Soft and discomfort. But the second set was better. Noticed increase and growth already. After a minor effort. Progress. Now to stretch and get out the dumbbells. Knees are popping. Goal is to quiet them!
UPDATE: More open heartbreak from Florida and the mom who’s heart I felt. Mother and daughter have reconnected, with the daughter now empowered and aware enough to speak with her mother, to help heal her mother, help heal her family, and help to heal their world. This is a miracle. This is love.
UPDATE: How many opportunities do we allow to pass us by? How often do we stay where we are out of fear? Out of disbelief. I will never get that opportunity back to ask those chill bros if they would like to play volleyball. Once the opportunity has passed, that same alignment rarely, if ever, returns a second time. The next opportunity will probably be less so, perhaps, in truth I don’t know, although I’m going to let this play out and see what happens. The lesson is...SEIZE the opportunity. It’s right there in front of you. Take it when it appears.
UPDATE: 8:42pm Full Moon. Still feeling heartbreak. It’s me. My heart is breaking. 9:46pm: I am falling in love with God. I am God. I am Pachamama. Therefore, I am falling in love with myself again. God is becoming aware of God’s own love for itself in a new manner. My partner is God and I love her. The volleyball boys were also deprived of my knowledge and wisdom that I brought with me on to the court. I lost the opportunity to share with others, to teach others just by being my best self around them. In my missed opportunity, this I mourn most of all, the gift of being able to give the gift of myself to others.
T-35 Tuesday September 3
7:10am: I woke up early today. Almost as if the Gods were speaking to me. Last night I smoked weed, drank beer and indulged in some self-pleasure. It was a pretty good night, a little bittersweet as I knew a couple of the activities I engaged in were not in my highest good. Smoking, for sure not the best, as it hurts the lungs, the high is fun and all, but now I am feeling groggy and cloudy. The beers, also not the best for you as it’s shown that alcohol is possibly the single most destructive force on the planet it seems. So, what happened? I have a sensory deprivation experience scheduled for 11am today. I feel like last night and this morning I have deprived myself of the full use and capacity of my senses. How often have I done that? How often will I continue to do that? So, what did I do today to try and get myself back on track? I listened to my heart. I got up, threw away the weed and went back to bed. Then I listened to my heart and my instincts some more and actually followed their direction.
I got back out of bed, before sunrise, and put on my running shoes and left the house. I ran a leisurely three miles at a pretty chill pace. This is the first run I’ve been on in over a month. I am proud of myself for doing this, for counteracting the substances in my body and giving my body the opportunity to cleanse itself before I go into a sensory deprivation experience. My legs are a bit wonky, buy they are happy to be moving again. The blood is flowing. This is the beginning of the new. VICE. We all have them. We lean on them, we abuse them, we make excuses for them. But ultimately, they own us. We all need to chill out and release every once in a while, BUT, is that really the best way? Right now, I know that I could have been a bit more productive in my day yesterday had I not been distracted by the desire to go get marijuana and cloud myself. But hey, at least it’s providing me some context and understanding how I want to continue this journey in my body. This is the first time I have pushed myself physically in a while, it feels good to breath harder, to have my heart pumping and to feel the sweat on my brow. The sun feels warm on my face, and I know that I should congratulate myself for taking this step, waking up early and for honoring and loving on my body. So, today I am resolving to stay TOTALLY SOBER FOR ONE FULL WEEK. I will report back on this goal. It WILL BE FOLLOWED THROUGH. I owe it to myself to feel my best, to be open to the universe, to be open to my heart and to be clean for just a moment.
UPDATE: Finished my morning yoga routine. Felt better today than when I was not using my muscles. The run feels good. Still a bit groggy in the head. To be expected. Can’t wait to be totally clear. VICE: Victory Is Constant Evolution. Re-frame life. Re-frame VICE. Use it to your advantage.
T-34 Wednesday, September 4
I just completed two hours in a sensory deprivation tank. Here is what I’m feeling now: Upon reflection, I believe this was the longest period of time that I was truly on my own by myself in my own head. Now, in the past I’ve been alone with myself, hiking or camping or just at home, but this was the first time I was ALONE with myself. No stimulation except for the thoughts emanating from my head, my brain, my mind (that’s a whole ‘nother conversation). Note: I have been feeling a large amount of energy coming out of the bridge of my right foot (aura? Chi?), my hip has no more pain. Related?
What happens in the tank? You float, you are independent of gravity in a way, you simply float, no visual stimulation, barely any auditory and if you are silent and still enough for a few moments you don’t even feel like you have a body. If just for a moment you are simply suspended in your mind with whatever thoughts are occurring. I’m grateful I’ve had a substantial amount of meditation training. I was able to direct my thoughts at times, but also quiet them so that I was in a very calm mental state of meditation. A few thoughts sent electrical impulses down to my muscles causing them to twitch. A direct validation of thought/mind/body awareness. A thought or word, such as “hero”, caused my leg to move abruptly, impulsively. Thoughts have direct influence on the body. I had time to think and reflect and I was still sad that I missed the opportunity to meet those volleyball kids from a few days ago. It seems silly enough, but a wasted opportunity, is a wasted chance to live life to its fullest potential. It made me sad that something that I wanted was right in front of me, calling to me, and I walked away. A lost opportunity. Although this one may seem trivial, if I walk away from an opportunity as “small” as this, what might happen when the opportunity OF MY LIFE, IS RIGHT THERE? Do I go up and knock on the door of possibility? Or will I walk away, never having even tried, left to wonder for hours on end, what could have been? How many fun games could I have played? How could I have positively impacted those kids in their life and how might they have inspired me?
I’ve tried to reach for my phone five times in the last five minutes while writing these words, so craved for a fix I can’t even write these words without being present, the willpower and effort to not touch the phone and stay focused on the task at hand is very real. I did fall into a state of complete relaxation in the tank. Even when I opened my eyes there was nothing to see but the blackness. The same blackness present behind my eyelids. I almost felt disassociated with my body for a moment. My body was there, but not there at the same time. My mind was the only thing keeping me company. My heart beating gently as I floated in a dark abyss. I feel an inner quite now, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to listen to music, I just want to be silent for the rest of the night. There is a profound change that has occurred within me. The sensory world taking on a new look, almost as if I am seeing it with new eyes. My mind keeps returning to ideas of life in general. Opportunity provided. Opportunity lost…this time. I know in life I will let a few more opportunities slip through the cracks, but when it comes to the big ones, well, I’m glad I knocked on that door, literally.
When I began to fall in Love, described way back when, I had the opportunity to literally knock on my neighbor’s door and say “Hi!” and ask for her number. I did, and my ENTIRE world is now full of love, a healthy relationship, great sex, wonderful conversations, and overall bliss, with a few healthy challenges in there for growth and evolution. What would have happened had I NOT knocked on that door? I’m terrified to even think that thought. My world would NOT look the same. I thank God, and myself that I took a chance, stepped up to the plate and took a swing. That missed opportunity on the beach makes me sad, so I am putting extra emphasis on the importance of opportunity with the hope that if I help one other person in this life seize their opportunity, maybe I won’t regret walking away so much. Because, although I don’t get to play, I did LEARN a valuable lesson. There is opportunity every day, to workout, to tell someone you love them, to begin a journey to the center of your body, some opportunities are provided to us daily, and we have the choice and to seize them or not. But sometimes there are those opportunities that ONLY show up ONCE or twice in life. There are those moments that we only get maybe five of in our life to REALLY show up and take what is rightfully meant for us, what has been placed RIGHT in front of us.
My heart knew, I listened to my heart, and it told me straight up, go talk to those kids, go take that action. My heart spoke to me and told me what to do, but I didn’t listen. Please don’t make the same mistake I did. Listen to your heart, love your heart, trust it’s wisdom and TAKE ACTION in the DIRECTION it tells you to go. I’m still praying that within 34 days I will find another crew to play with, maybe those same kids if the stars align and fate wills it so. But here I am, praying again, hoping again for something that could have already been mine if I had just listened to my heart and taken a chance on myself.
So, this is the big lesson, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART AND FOLLOW WHERE ITS TELLING YOU TO GO. After all these days of journeying, I’ve finally reached the core, and now I go even deeper, to the core of the core. The silence in between thoughts, no movement, no vision, no hearing, no touch, no sense of up or down, I hear a deep silence within me, and I want to let it speak to me. I want to let my heart lead me into the profound silence. Thank you for this lesson, I truly hope I’ve learned it.
T-31 Saturday, September 7
Labor Day, I feel a bit scared. I have to be honest with myself and know that there’s nothing wrong. But being truthful is paramount and I am also a little sleepy. Tired. The past weekend is weighing on me still a bit and I know I am a different person today than I was just a few days ago. That is the thing with life, it’s always in a state of change, a state of flux. I saw God in her eyes when she told me she loved me. She looked into my soul, a soul into a soul. It resonated deeper than anything I’ve previously known. It was deep. I have been searching for the divine within myself, and I believe I’ve found it in my heart. In my love. There, in love, in my heart, all things are possible; there, all things are true. Hide Nothing, Fear Nothing. It takes courage to acknowledge your center, the truth of who you are. Too often we think we’ve found it outside ourselves. We seek it in another, we seek it in material objects, status, wealth and money. This is the same line I’ve heard a thousand different times, but it is only when I truly learn and hear it within does it BECOME truth within. I know, I have everything that one could wish for. All of it. Total abundance and complete happiness. We can never return to the past. No matter how much I want to hold on to who, or what, I believed/experienced in the past. There is no going back. I cannot return to T-111 days, that is just not possible. There are some things that were so wonderful back then too that I would love to hold on to, but that is not the way the life works, and I think this is why I feel the fear, and why I am scared. It all serves the divine directive of growth. In relationships, with myself, with others, we can never go back to what was.
There is only the present moment, and what lies before us, and even then, it is only the present moment that truly exists. I think I am mourning the loss of what was. Be present, embrace the moment. But then, there comes a moment when reality sets in, a truth is revealed. Out with the old, in with the new. This is how the body works. I know in the center of my body, right at this very moment, cells are dying, millions of them. I am dying right now, and with that death, new life arises. This is where the challenge arises, embracing death, so that new life can flourish. Understanding that in death, there is life, in loss there is gain. It’s so hard to understand this fundamental truth from our often-limited perception. At some level, we never die. This is something I am still trying to understand and wrap my understanding around.
Fear. There it is again.
What do I do with it? I want to be the hero of this journey. I want to be the hero of my own story. So, what will I do with this fear? I will face it down. I will face it with the truth. No one else can be the hero of my story. I take full responsibility for this journey, it’s my body, it’s my mind, it’s my heart. Mine. In this moment I am dying. In this moment I am reborn.
* Movie: Power of the Heart: https://www.thepoweroftheheart.com/